Before we get started though, I want to introduce you to my grading scale that I'll use for these movies: the Sharktopus. Say hi to the Sharktopus!
Don't worry, I'm going to get to that movie soon enough, but for now, let me explain how the grading scale works. Basically, I'm going to grade what I want to grade in the movie on a scale from One Sharktopus to Five Sharktopi. There are Half Sharktopi as well, so there's some room in there.
Now that we have that out of the way, it's time to watch Sharknado!
SyFy Presents: Sharknado
So some of these movies have convoluted origins for why there are horrible creations running around destroying American cities. Not Sharknado. All that this movie has for an origin is a bunch of sharks get sucked up by a tornado into a storm, and that's it. Nothing fancy, just some insane ideas about how gravity and weather work.
Also, that's a really bad looking waterspout. I think Twister did it better back in 1995.
Instead of starting in a city, we're starting on a boat, 20 miles off the Mexican coast. I don't know why, but here we go. We get a random scene with some shady looking shark poachers negotiating with an Asian businessman over the sale of some shark fins (see the irony there?). The deal gets struck, but the boat sails into a massive storm that I feel like they should have seen coming, considering it was strong enough to suck sharks into the sky. Things go south in a hurry, and the crew, as well as the Asian businessman, are killed by the Sharknado, with most of them dying in completely over the top fashion. We're never going to see or hear anything about this boat again, despite the fact that it too gets sucked up into the storm.
That's five minutes of this movie we're not getting back.
Now, we move to Los Angeles, where we meet Fin (yes, that's his name) and his surfing bro. Fin does some surfing, and I can hardly understand what Surfing Bro is saying, though they finally start talking about how the weather is starting to go south, thanks to a hurricane (wait, can those hit Los Angeles? I'm confused.).
Next, we're introduced to a reporter who introduces herself as "Johnni, with an I." She's going to be around for a while in this movie, and you will hate her. We also meet a bikini clad waitress with a nasty looking scar on her leg. She's serving up drinks, but Johnni with an I is busy talking about Hurricane David, which is on it's way to the Los Angeles area. Somehow, this isn't scaring anything off of the beach or to higher ground, as apparently this version of Los Angeles has the worst disaster control plans ever put in place. Bikini waitress and the guy that played the dad in Home Alone talk about the storm, and how it shouldn't bother Fin, since he's the best surfer ever, apparently. Home Alone Dad is named George, and he tries to feel up Bikini Waitress. It goes about as well as expected. Somehow, the hurricane has driven the sharks away from the L.A. beaches, and George and Bikini Waitress are happy about this.
While all of that exposition is going on, Fin finds some time to flirt with a surfer girl, and we spend about two minutes watching him surf with her and Surfer Bro. Their fun is interrupted by a shark, and suddenly, these three people who have been surfing their whole lives don't know what to do about one shark. Surfer Girl thrashes in the water as a massive amount of sharks heads towards the beach. Surfer Girl's thrashing only attracts the sharks, and she gets eaten while Fin slowly surfs in to not save her. Fin turns his attention to the beach, where the sharks start eating the morons that are on a beach while a hurricane is right off the Los Angeles coast. These people deserve what they get with these sharks.
Fin gets cornered by a shark, but Surfer Bro distracts him with his jetski, and gets his leg almost chewed off for his trouble. Fin rams the shark with his surfboard(?!) and that does enough to scare the shark away. Bikini Waitress runs down to the beach and yells at Fiu, and I think that might be the range of her acting abilities. She looks out into the water and is shaken up. I guess she really doesn't like sharks.
Despite almost losing his leg, Surfer Bro is back at Fin's bar and is sharing shark stories with George. They decide that the sharks are only being mean because of the storm. Bikini Waitress flirts with Fin, who apparently wants her to get back to work, which by the way, is happening IN THE MIDDLE OF A HURRICANE. We know this because Johnni comes back on the air and tells us that. Why is the hurricane hitting L.A.? Global warming, apparently.
Fin gets nervous and calls his ex-wife April, who makes me feel really old because now Tara Reid can apparently play a middle aged mom of two teenagers. Fin tells them to get away from the ocean, while he's standing ten feet from the beach. His advise goes over about as well as you would have thought it would. Fin decides to close up his bar for the day, while the hurricane is now pounding the coast. This really should have been done a few days before hand, and the bar pays for it, as a shark FLIES IN THROUGH ONE OF THE WINDOWS. Bikini waitress kills the shark with a pool cue, and I don't think that it's actually possible to do that, but she does it anyway.
Also, we're 20 minutes into this movie, and I've seen about one minute of actual Sharknado. So far, this is not living up to the name.
Anyway, the storm comes in, everyone freaks out, and Fin, Surfer Bro, Bikini Waitress and George (who is quite drunk) run away. George saves Bikini Waitress from a shark, since she can stab one with a pool cue, but can;'t figure out how to shoot one in the face with a shotgun. Surfer Bro almost gets eaten, but recreates the scene from Jaws and has fin blow a shark up with a gas tank in it's mouth. The Santa Monica Ferris Wheel comes loose and now you know things are getting real. It runs over a guy in slow motion and crashes into a building. Fin's bar gets all kinds of torn up, and he decides to go after his ex-wife and daughter. Bikini Waitress seems shocked that he has a daughter, but she comes with them, since she has nowhere else to go.
Just in case you didn't know that the weather was bad, we get a montage showing the flooding and some CGI rain. The group keeps driving through the water in Fin's Jeep, and they see sharks swimming next to them. Think about this for a second: there should be no way that his car is still driving when the water is deep enough for SHARKS TO SWIM IN IT. One of them actually hits his car, for crying out loud, but somehow, there's no water in the car, and the engine still isn't flooded. Seems about right to me.
The group sees more sharks swimming, including a shark that is somehow under their car. George gets the bright idea to drive to Beverly Hills, since that's where he lives and he thinks that there shouldn't be much water there. Of course, since it's Los Angeles, they get stuck in traffic on the highway on ramp, which immediately floods as they get to the top. Bikini Waitress compares that water to Old Faithful, which makes my head hurt. The sharks have come with the water, and since some of the idiots on the on ramp got out of their cars, they start getting eaten. Again, they're getting what they deserve, and I want to know who was in charge of disasters in this version of Los Angeles.
Fin decides to go try and save some of the idiots, and the rest of the group decides to go after Fin rather than just leaving him, which is what sane people would have done. One woman forgets how car doors work and needs George to help her save her dog. George breaks open the car window with his trusty bar stool, but he takes too long, and he ends up as a snack for the sharks. His last words? "OWWWWWW!!"
Seriously, this is more of a Shark Flood than a Sharknado, but who am I to judge this movie?
The group finally makes it to April's house, and we get a shot of a shark coming out of a drainage pipe for some reason. It's almost as if they think we're going to forget about the sharks, so we have to see one in an odd spot every now and then. April tries to kick them out, but she changes her mind when a shark POPS OUT OF A MANHOLE COVER AND LAUNCHES INTO THE AIR. Bikini Waitress shoots it somehow, and they head inside, where we meet Claudia, Fin's daughter, and April's new boyfriend, Colin, who Fin is less than happy about seeing. He looks and talks like a douche anyway, so he deserves to be eaten by a shark. Colin claims that Beverly Hills Emergency Services are "second to none." Dude, you really need to be watching the news right now.
Colin doubts the shark story, despite everyone telling him otherwise, and he goes to the window to look. At the same time, the window explodes and water begins rushing into the house. Colin lasts about another 30 seconds before he becomes shark food (and he deserved it). Fin, Surfer Bro and Bikini Waitress try and save Colin for some reason, but with all the blood in the water, all they're doing is pulling on a dead guy's feet. Sure enough, his legs come off, and that's the end of Colin, probably my least favorite person in this movie. The three of them manage to keep the shark at bay with a bookshelf, and they rejoin April and Claudia on the stairs, where Bikini Waitress is able to kill the shark with more shots than a shotgun should be able to hold. After a "time of the month" joke from Surfer Bro, we find out that Fin has a son named Matthew, who is in flight school, so they have to try and save him.
Fin distracts the other shark in the house while the other four run to his car. After killing the shark with a lamppost, the group manages to get away just before a mudslide destroys their house. "Easy come, easy go," quips Fin. We get another story from Johnni with an I, and we find out that a tornado warning is in effect. Rather than going straight to where his son is, Fin decides to stop and see if anyone is on an abandoned school bus by rappelling down to it from a bridge, because that makes complete sense. Of course, there are people on the bus, including the bus driver, who played Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch. Cousin Oliver tries to calm the kids down as we get a totally unnecessary clip of Fin hooking his rappelling gear up.
Side note: why does he even have that stuff in his car? Does he just assume that somewhere along his daily travels he's going to go rappelling?
The kids all start getting pulled up to safety, and Cousin Oliver gets saved for last. He almost gets eaten, but makes it to the top. Fin's escape is even closer, but he makes it back up too. Luckily for everyone, the storm starts clearing up, but it's only for a second, as the filmmakers take their chance to destroy the Hollywood sign. Pieces of the sign just miss everyone, and everyone seems ok, right up until Cousin Oliver gets crushed by a rather large section of the sign. With that 15 minute interlude out of the way, Fin looks over the Los Angeles skyline and sees...
SHARKNADOES!! WE'RE ALMOST AN HOUR INTO THIS MOVIE, BUT WE FINALLY HAVE SEEN SHARKNADOES!!
Despite impossible odds, a shark somehow lands on the roof of Fin's car. Aside from needing to be in water to breathe, the shark seems angry and hungry, so it bites open the roof to eat the people inside. Fin gets his hand cut open, but Bikini Waitress saves the day with another well timed shotgun blast. Somehow, the car starts leaking gas, and the group all runs away before the car explodes...
Wait, did that really just happen? How in the hell did that car explode? It doesn't make any sense.
We finally find out Bikini Waitress's name. It's Nova. I'm going to keep calling her Bikini Waitress. She gets warned by Claudia not to get too close to Fin, since it's probably going to end badly. We get another exposition from Johnni with an I, while the clerk at the store that the group ran into thinks the storm and sharks are the work of the Government. Not this time, buddy. The government can make Sharktopi, Mega Sharks, Super Gators, and Mecha Sharks, but not Sharknados. They discuss how they're going to get to Fin's son, and conveniently, there's a movie car lot across the street from the store that they're in. Surfer Bro goes to steal a car, and he picks....a Hummer? I guess it's a good choice, but I didn't even know they still made Hummers.
Surfer Bro decides to speed his way through a traffic stop, and they get into a chase with the LAPD that ends when Fin presses a button for Nitrous and they get away. With only 30 minutes to go in this movie, I must say that the Sharknado aspect is still lacking quite a bit. I was promised Sharknados, I have seen Sharknados, I want a Sharknado!
They reach the flight school where Fin's son is, and it's right across the street from a retirement home. As they get there, we get our first real, on land look at a Sharknado, and it's getting close. This makes me happy. After a quick search, we get to meet Fin's son, while Surfer Bro is watching the Sharknado get closer and closer. The flight school group doesn't buy the Sharknado story, but they quickly change their tunes when one of them is sucked out of the hangar that they're in up into the Sharknado. The rest of them survive, and they spot a helicopter, which Matt says can fly. Rather than leaving, the group decides that they're going to stay and fight the falling sharks, which makes no sense. If the sharks need to be in water to breathe, why don't they just let them all fall from the sky and die? It would be quicker, but no one thinks of this. Instead, they decide that they are going to make homemade bombs and THROW THEM FROM THE HELICOPTER INTO THE SHARKNADOES.
That is such a perfect plan. I can't believe I didn't think of it, and I see no reason why it wouldn't work.
Somehow, everyone ends up on board with this plan, and the bombs get made from supplies they find in a store across from the flight school. Fin arms himself with a chainsaw, while April gets a hedge trimmer. Then, they decide to throw some father-daughter bonding in, as Claudia thinks Fin will only care about Matt, but he reminds her that he came to save her first. Meanwhile, Matt and Bikini Waitress compare scars, and it only takes Matt two minutes to get the story of Bikini Waitress's scar, which is kind of impressive, since she hadn't told anyone the story yet in the movie. To make a long scar story short, Bikini Waitress went fishing with her grandfather, and ran into some sharks. Grandpa got eaten, while Bikini Waitress ended up with a scar on her leg. I think we're done with character development in this movie now, let's go bomb some Sharknadoes!!
Surfer Bro comes up with a Plan B in case the helicopter bombs don't work. He's loaded the stolen Hummer up with more bombs, and will drive it into one of the Sharknadoes if need be. I'll say that it's a good way to get rid of the evidence of the stolen car, at least. Matt and Bikini Waitress head up with their bombs and head to the first Sharknado. Somehow, Matt decides that this is a good time to flirt with Bikini Waitress, and somehow Fin starts shooting the sharks out of the Sharknado with a handgun. As if that wasn't crazy enough, the bomb plan works, and Matt and Bikini Waitress manage to blow up the first Sharknado.
I have no idea how that worked, or how the helicopter is able to stay in the air while right next to the Sharknado, but it did. I also don't know why I'm questioning the science of a movie that says sharks can be sucked into the air and then into tornadoes, and bombs can blow up said Sharknadoes, but I am.
Meanwhile, now that the one Sharknado is finished, it starts raining sharks. One of them comes close to Fin, so he CUTS IT IN HALF WITH HIS CHAINSAW. HELL YES, this movie just got more amazing. Things aren't going so well with Surfer Bro's group. One of the other two flight school kids gets killed by a falling shark, while Surfer Bro gets bit by a shark on his good leg. I guess you guys should have stuck with Fin and his Chainsaw of Doom. Surfer Bro tries to hang on while the second Sharknado approaches, but he gets sucked into the storm. Rest in Peace, Surfer Bro.
In the most amazing part of this movie so far, we get treated to a scene from the nursing home next door, where NO ONE HAS BEEN EVACUATED. In fact, there are old people swimming in the pool AS THE HURRICANE/SHARKNADO IS RIGHT OVER TOP OF THEM. How no one thought to get these people out of the area before now is beyond me. Anyway, we get another report from Johnni with an I, who says things are getting even worse. Just as she says where the Sharknado is going, poor Johnni with an I gets killed by the Sharknado. Poor girl. She didn't even get eaten by a shark.
The second Sharknado gets blown up by Matt and Bikini Waitress, and guess what? It starts raining sharks again. The last of the flight school kids gets one of his arms eaten off by a falling shark, while another shark starts eating his legs. His suffering is kept short, though, as another shark falls from the sky and lands on top of him. This guy got the best death in the movie so far. So now, despite the fact that it's been on the news all day, the nursing home staff finally sees what the weather is doing, and tries to evacuate their old people. It's a little too late for that now, I believe. Sure enough, things go south quickly, as two of the old folks get trapped in the pool with two sharks that have decided to join them.
Despite having stairs and a ladder out of the pool right there, Fin saves them, and then deals with the sharks by LIGHTING THE POOL ON FIRE. Yeah, I like Fin more now. Matt and Bikini Waitress end up at the third Sharknado, but this one doesn't go as well. The bomb doesn't destroy the Sharknado, and Bikini Waitress falls out of the helicopter. Of course, she gets swallowed whole by a shark, but Matt makes it back to land. Farewell, Bikini Waitress. At least you had an interesting back story.
With the helicopter out of action, Fin decides that the only way to stop the third Sharknado is to drive Surfer Bro's Hummer Full of Explosives into it. Of course, that's just the time when the Sharknado positions itself right on the highway where the Hummer Full of Explosives is. Fin takes the Hummer (I'm assuming that he cleaned the flight school kid off of it, because if he didn't that's not right), and launches it directly into the final Sharknado. He jumps out just in time, and despite being right next to the Sharknado, only the Hummer Full of Explosives gets sucked up. Fin survives, and the Sharks start raining down on Los Angeles. Fin's family runs out to see him, and Claudia gets to him first. Just as she gets to him, a shark starts to fall right behind her.
This next part gets it's own paragraph, in all caps. Wait for it...
FIN PUSHES CLAUDIA OUT OF THE WAY OF THE SHARK, BUT NOW HE'S IN ITS PATH. RATHER THAN DUCK, HE JUMPS INTO THE MOUTH OF THE SHARK WITH HIS RUNNING CHAINSAW.
The shark lands on the ground. Fin's dead, right? There's no way he's coming back from that. Oh, you're wrong. After a few seconds, Fin CUTS HIS WAY OUT OF THE SHARK WITH HIS CHAINSAW. Yes, he cuts himself out of the shark, using the still running chainsaw that he had with him when the shark swallowed him. It gets better. After Fin gets out of the shark, he reaches back in to the now open stomach cavity of said shark. What is he reaching for? It's Bikini Waitress! Yes, somehow, Fin managed to get swallowed by the same shark that ate Bikini Waitress. A few chest compressions from Matt later, and Bikini Waitress is just fine.
Let's think about this for a second. Not only did Fin jump into a shark with a running chainsaw, but he then managed to see Bikini Waitress, avoid her with the chainsaw, cut his way out of said shark, and then pull Bikini Waitress back out and bring her back to life. Wow. I think something just started dribbling out of my ear.
If you have not witnessed this scene before, you need to find it. Do it.
After the third Sharknado is destroyed and Fin cuts himself out of the shark, the storm breaks up. The old folks come back out to see what's happened, Matt and Bikini Waitress have a moment and Fin and April kiss. It's a happy ending for everyone, except for all of those people that died. It's not so happy for them.
"Hell of a day," says Fin as we pan up to see the remains of Los Angeles. We fade to black, with just the word "fin" on the closing screen. Get it?
So ends Sharknado.
Now comes the fun part; my grading of this movie! Remember, we're working on a 1-5 Sharktopi scale on what I want to discuss.
Believability: Yes, I know, this is a movie about tornadoes full of sharks. It makes little to no sense, but I'm ok with that. It's not supposed to make much sense. From the streets full of sharks, to the tornadoes full of sharks, to blowing the Sharknadoes up with bombs, to Johnni with an I constantly reminding us that she was Johnni with an I and the general unpreparedness of anyone in Los Angeles to a pending hurricane/sharknado event, I seriously doubt something like this could happen. Luckily, this score is based on how unbelievable this movie was. In that case, I give it 4.5 out of 5 Sharktopi.
Best Scene: Does it get any better than Fin cutting his way out of a shark's stomach with a chainsaw, then saving Bikini Waitress? I don't think so. There's so many memorable moments in this movie, but the climax takes the cake. I mean what were the odds of ending up inside the same shark as Bikini Waitress? I doubt that there's ever going to be another ending scene like this one, so this gets the full monty. I give it 5 of 5 Sharktopi.
Best Death: Again, there were a lot of deaths in this movie, some caused by sharks, others by debris and then finally some by Sharknadoes, but I think the best one has to go to Flight School Kid #3. The fact that he got his arm and leg eaten by a shark, then had another shark land on top of his body might have seemed a little too much, but it was a hell of a way to go. Unfortunately, it still wasn't that memorable, so I can't grade it as high as the last two scores. Flight School Kid #3's death only gets 3.5 out of 5 Sharktopi.
Watchability: Oh yes, this movie is quite watchable. It already had a cult following when it first aired last year, and with the sequel airing tonight, its appeal is growing even more. The acting isn't all that terrible, and if you're looking for a story that build up the characters, you need to look somewhere else, but if you're just interested in an hour and a half long movie where you don't have to think that much, this is it. Trust me, if you think too much, your head is going to start to hurt. This gets another top score, 5 out of 5 Sharktopi.
Overall Score: Sharknado is one of the more memorable movies that SyFy has put out in its recent history. While I wish that there had been a little more time with the actual Sharknadoes, the idea and overall absurdity of the movie makes it something that I love to watch. This is one of the reasons why I enjoy watching these types of movies. Some of them are so bad, that they are self aware about how bad they are. Sharknado does that, and I enjoy it for it. It doesn't get a perfect score, but it's pretty close. I give Sharknado 4.5 out of 5 Sharktopi
There you have it, my rather long thoughts on Sharknado. Is it a perfect movie? Of course not, but you should watch it if you don't put too much thought into it and want to be entertained.
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